My day had been horrible. I was lost and the need to get out of my bed didn’t even exist. It was happening again and my head and heart could feel it. I managed to drag myself from bed and I felt as though I was floating around, the minutes quickly passing by. Picking up my phone I only wanted to talk to my doctor. I wanted to yell at her! I felt desperate and hopeless. The depression was back. A dark cloud surrounded me and there was no way out.
I’ve always known that something was wrong with me and I refused to do anything about it. I can remember being 16 and sitting in my room with a handfull of any prescription drug I could find in our cabinets. I was weak though I would always take one more than yesterday each day but I never realized that I was building up my immunity rather than doing what I wanted and that was to end everything. I can’t tell you why I felt like that and I will probably never be able to tell you why. I had a good family and great friends but I couldn’t make a pain in my soul disappear.
When you get to this point you think horrible and ugly things. Your entire day consists of impatiently waiting to see how soon you can go back to bed and try to dream away these feelings only to find that even in your dreams you cant escape your own dark thoughts. It’s the opposite actually, the thoughts are vivid and they come to life. It’s really quite ugly but you almost prefer it to actually being awake. I remember one time I hit a low and I actually locked my self in my room and I screamed straight into a pillow for almost 20 minutes straight. I was just so tired and confused and doing that was my only solution. When you feel so sad you get really tired. I think that is one of the hardest parts. It almost feels like you’ve been dragging weights around for 24 hours straight. Others wont understand no matter how hard you try to explain it.
I’ve allowed this depression thing to slowly destroy me because of the embarrassment that I so much dread. I’ve never liked to be weak. I don’t like to even cry in front of people I hate it. It almost feels like everytime I let someone see that side of me, I am less of a person. You try and hide it and its almost like your dirty secret. You’ll have moments when you just want to yell at everyone you see that your sick, but then you’ll stop because there are consequences. Having depression is like a joke to others. They see it as an excuse, and many will even make fun of you behind your back. For those that don’t make fun of you they’ll treat you like a broken toy. They’ll tip toe around you in fear of setting you off. People no longer look at you the same because there’s now something mentally wrong with you. It truely sucks.
Well I got help. I gave in. I decided I couldn’t go on any more like this. It took a lot. I had to sit in an office as docters questioned me about my life and what could have triggered this. You almost want to yell at them because you don’t know. I wanted to tell them just give me something. Something for the headaches, for the sadness, for the exhaustion, for you to just be normal.
It was rough and as I have another rough spot in my life I think that if I reflect on how ugly I was maybe I’ll keep from falling again. It’s almost like a reminder to myself. It’s hard I’ll let you know that much. After my fifth prescription sometimes you think its beat to just give in. I do want to apologize to anyone who reads this and feels bad for me don’t do that. That’s not what I want. I sort of just need to vent. I kinda hope someone with the same problems knows that they’re not the only ones. I’m not saying you’ll be okay cause I don’t know that but I understand and its okay to feel these things because others do too. It helps to write about it. Trust me.
Well guys that’s all for my days rant.
Sorry if you can’t make any sense of what I’ve said. I called it a rant for a reason.
Sadly a good majority of the time I find myself mad. Most of the time I don’t know why I’m mad, and half of the time my poor fiance gets caught in the middle of my anger rants. I will admit that most of my problem comes from allowing myself to be bothered by everything. I’m a sensitive person, and I can’t help it, but I wanted to share a pretty funny argument I had with my fiance. I will warn you ahead of time this will sound petty, but I promise most of you will think, Oh my goodness I do that too!
Well, one day I came home from work as usual tired and annoyed. I followed my usual routine which was moan and grown the entire time I cooked. I promise I did not actually voice my unhappiness, instead I talked to myself mentally. Side note, in all my 22 years I never realized I did this, but was about to realize how this was the key to my unhappiness. As I continued cooking I soon realized I had a huge problem. I was out of salt, and I need salt at all times! It wasn’t until I finished cooking my fiances dinner, and started preparing my meal that I realized my dilemma. First, you may ask why in the world is she cooking two meals? I at the time was on a meal plan trying to lose weight, and my fiance will not eat any of the healthy things I like to eat. Now that I think of this whole scenario, had I been rational for once I would have even realized that I did not need salt since I was trying to be healthier.
However, stubborn old me could not let this happen. When I actually realized that I needed salt I began to panic. What would I do? I needed it now. My next move was to ask my lovely fiance to run to the corner store and buy salt. After all it would only take him a second. In my head this worked perfectly! I knew he would say, “Yes honey only because you are so great and prepared us this great meal.” Well that wasn’t quite what happened instead I heard, “Do you really need the salt.” I did not explode because I wasn’t mad yet, but I was very close. I kindly explained that the salt was vital to my meal. His next response is when I began all the crazy talk us women can do time to time. After hearing my well put together argument on why I needed salt my fiance says, “Okay well how about I buy some tomorrow.” At this moment I swear my head almost flew off I was so dang angry!
Did this man really not just hear my argument?Did he not understand how vitally critical it was for me to have salt at this precise moment? Was I really not that important or loved that I he could not complete a simple errand for me? This is just so dang unbelievable because I just slaved over a hot stove yet, I can’t have one simple request!
Yes, yes, yes, I am that crazy. Those thoughts really flew through my head. I seriously victimized myself. I single handedly managed to ruin my afternoon, and even went to bed with out speaking a word to my fiance. It took me a good two days to let go of such a stupid argument, but when I did I realized the only person that needed to apologize was me.
In a conversation with a friend about how unbelievable my fiance had behaved nights before I got a really big eye opener. The whole time I retold my story I was expecting her to be shocked and completely side with me, but to my surprise her response was, “Really that was all he did?” I was speechless! How could she not realize that I was the one who was betrayed! What she told me next was something I will never forget, and personally think is the best advise I have ever received. She said, “If you do not stop basing the meaning of love on things you think someone else SHOULD be doing for you, you will always be unhappy!”
I stared at her for a little bit. Not because I was mad, but because I felt like this whole time I had a veil over my face and for the first time ever it was being lifted. How could I have been so selfish? At this point I was beyond embarrassed. I realized that my entire life I thought love meant I had to do A,B, C at said moment, and if my partner didn’t do the same he simply didn’t love me. How did that even make sense to me?I began to think about all of the arguments we had in our relationship, and I laughed. I really laughed out loud, because it was as if the light finally clicked on. These past five years of our relationship most of the time I started this whole bit of talking to myself and making the situation worse. I am seriously lucky someone even put up with that craziness. After I began to lighten up my friend reassured me that what I had done is very common, and to simply make a change for the better.
Today I will tell you that I am 100% happier. I realized that sometimes if you can’t have your way the world will not end, and it definitely does not mean that your fiance doesn’t love you. Take a step back think about their day. You are not the only one that is tired or irritated. Love is something so much more. Something as stupid as not getting salt should never get in the way of a relationship.Believe me, not loving you has not even crossed your partners mind as for why they don’t want to get that salt.
In the end the only person that loses will be you, and that is because you wasted all that time being angry when instead you could have enjoyed each others company.
I won’t say that I have found the key to a successful relationship, but one thing is for sure I realized a flaw in myself that could have ultimately ended my relationship. I learned to always look for the facts. I know I am loved. I know sometimes we just don’t want to do certain things. I now know that talking to myself is totally not healthy!
So my final advise for you is don’t be quick to get crazy, and if you haven’t got the hint yet, again don’t talk yourself into a whirlwind of anger. Instead, why not BE rational?
Everyone has an idea of how they want to spend the rest of their life. I’m lying actually, we all think we know what we want to do, but in reality most of us are clueless. We spend at least three years of our adult life after graduation studying for what we think is the right career and then we have that brief moment where we pause, and say “What the heck am I doing!” You see careers are a tricky thing. We think that we can actually make up our minds as to how we plan to spend the rest of our lives, but how do we know until we actually jump into that field.
For example, I chose to dedicate myself to the education field. Yes, I am going to be a teacher, and as a matter of fact I always swore I would never be a teacher. However, here I am in my last semester of school about to jump into student teaching, and let me tell you I am scared out of my mind. Don’t get me wrong. I have had those moments were I get home so pumped up because I just cant wait to get in a classroom and make a difference! Then I have days like I’ve had this past week, where I am such a baby and absolutely dreading being in a classroom. Don’t get all worried it’s not because I hate kids, or learning. It’s the complete opposite I love learning and I love the content area I chose, which is English Language Arts. I think deep down its the feeling of failure. I mean you spend four years of your life studying like crazy, and almost losing your mind due to no sleep and stress because you think you know what you want to do. Yet in reality you could actually fail horribly, and all that hard work, money, and time goes to waste. Just because I say that I want to be a teacher doesn’t guarantee me that I’ll be good at it, and I can have all the preparation in the world but still not be prepared enough. It’s rough and it’s a horrible feeling.
I really just wish I could fast forward to my fifth year teaching and be this like master at what I do. Don’t judge me! It’s the reader in me. I’ve spent too many hours with my head buried in a book. I like thinking that life could be that easy, even though I know that will never happen. I used to think that I would have it easy that loving what I do would be enough in the teaching field, but the reality is that teachers have it a lot harder than what everyone thinks. It is crazy what we have to have done by the end of the year. Kids need to be master at what you have taught and if they aren’t the teacher usually pays. You’re probably thinking that I’m exaggerating. Well I absolutely am not! Regardless of the diversity, or learning levels in your classroom you must make sure that each student leaves with 100 times more knowledge then what they walked into your classroom with. It seriously scares me to think that I wont have what it takes, and I know it takes growing in order to get where you want, but if these kids smell fear you might as well quit on your first day because they will eat you alive.
Again I’m not saying kids are evil or something. I am saying they have a sixth sense, and know whether or not you are going to teach or be a waste of time. This student teaching business is definitely going to be a challenge. I know that it will require absolutely every bit of me. I wont lie I really am excited, because like I said the concept of kids learning from me is awesome. I also know that I chose this career for a reason. I decided that I would make a difference. So many teachers these days enter the field for all the wrong reasons. They go in as dictators looking down at their children, but they’re wrong. These kids need people to trust, someone to confide in, and lead them in the right direction. One thing I never realized until an observing teacher gave me some very important advise. He said, “kids expect honesty, if you are real with them they will respect you.” Many of you may think that is naïve, but I’ve seen this in action and it works miracles. When kids are respected they have fun learning and they don’t make it their personal mission to destroy you.
I know y’all may think I did a lot of ranting, but I actually feel better right now. I think sometimes people need to feel unconfident, or lost in order to realize that they’ll be okay. If life were meant to be simple what kind of life would that really be? I know it’s been rough, and I’ve had soooooo many obstacles that I had to overcome, but when I walk across the stage in December I think I might just jump for joy! Ultimately knowing that if I fail, all I can really do is get up and try again.
So my final thought for you all is, Why not Be Invincible?
These past couple of days I have realized just how selfish and spoiled I was as a kid. As I prepared myself for the upcoming semester I overly stressed myself with everything I could possibly stress about. I was unprepared financially, and mentally so this going back to school stuff hit me as a giant wave of stress. This year I have especially struggled with paying for school since Financial Aid likes to make it virtually impossible to receive help. Well I sat down yesterday and laughed at myself for being so ignorant as a youngster. I had absolutely no idea how hard life is! I really can’t ever forget my Sophomore prom not because it was prom and what not, but because of how inconsiderate I was. At the time I was so unbelievable upset with my parents because they wouldn’t dish out money for a new prom dress. I remember calling my older sister and crying like a moron because mom said, they just couldn’t afford a new dress and were making me wear the dress I wore for homecoming. It blows my mind how selfish of me that was. I mean I felt that I absolutely needed a new dress and just couldn’t show my face wearing a dress twice.
I know I was immature and young, but it just hit me today right smack in the face. Let me explain, my parents at the time had 4 kids at home. I cant even imagine the cost of providing for one child much less four! I can’t even take care of myself with out being broke. Sometimes I cant even handles my cat’s vet bills. Cost of living just blows my mind! I also don’t want you to think that we were some poor kids with absolutely nothing. We were SPOILED! Each one of us had TV’s, name brand clothes, great food, and plenty of extra stuff. I really don’t think that I will ever forgive myself for basically crucifying my mom and dad over a dress. They even paid for me to go and get my nails done, yet for me that wasn’t enough. To me they were unreasonable and didn’t care about me. They paid 40 bucks to put crap plastic on my nails that would eventually fall off in a couple of days, when in reality they could have used that for themselves. Possibly even gone out to dinner together worry free.
Now as an adult I really and truly admire my parents for the life they gave me. My parents came from nothing! When I say nothing I mean nothing, sometimes food wasn’t even an option because of poverty in Mexico. My mom will always tell us a story about how she would be so sad because she would see little girls lick a lollypop once and throw it on the ground. She would say, you don’t know how many times I wanted to pick it up and just dust it off. Isn’t that mind blowing to want something as simple as that so bad and not being able to have it. I to this day, have never felt hunger, or want like they experienced. They made sure their kids had everything and we did. If any of my siblings say other wise believe my they will be hit! I recently thanked my parents for everything that they have done, not just for everything they ever gave me but for being there. So many kids don’t even have parents, but mine stuck around they kept me and gave me an amazing life! My mom literally cried and cried because I thanked her, and she told me she actually felt guilty for not being able to help me with college, but I told her that wasn’t necessary. They have done their job, they made me into the independent adult that I am today. They taught me how to work, and when I work how to be efficient, precise, and how to take pride in the work. They taught me about religion. Most importantly they loved me unconditionally and still do. They always have my back regardless of my situation, and I cant thank them enough. In my eyes I have failed because I have not helped them enough. I sincerely hope one day that I am able to care for them when they need in the way they cared for me. Unless their grumpy old people, not really,I would regardless of that.
I know most of you don’t really think about all the mountains that our parents have climbed for us, but just thank them as much as you can. They will cry and cry but they appreciate it soooooo much! Because when someone tells you one day that they’d like to shake your mom and dad’s hand for raising such a great individual not only will you feel like hot stuff, but you’ll also realize every single direction that your life could have gone with out them. Trust me we think at times that we have things rough but millions of kids have parents who can only love a bottle of beer, who are abusive, or have none at all. Cherish every moment with them treat them like royalty because they are royalty! Don’t end up like me. Regret is an ugly thing no matter how small, it will eat away at you when you least expect it. My question to you is, why not be selfless? God knows that is what my parents were, and I so ignorantly took advantage!
I love music and when I say Love, I mean LOVE! I listen to everything in general and have no set particular taste. Usually I say my taste is anything that is Good, which is really hard to come by these days. Take example one, which I so kindly provided for you below.
This dude named Michael used to buy motorcycles
D*** bigger than a tower, I ain’t talking about Eiffel
Real country a** nigga, let me play with his rifle
P**** put his a** to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil
Now that bang bang bang, I let him hit it cause he slang cocaine
He toss my salad like his name Romaine
And when we done, I make him buy me romaine
I’m on some dumb s***.
After you read this nonsense I’m sure you had one of two reactions,
1. ewwwww throw up
2. Cry uncontrollably because this is what music has come to.
I’ve never really been a fan of Nikki Minaj, I mean some of her music is great and catchy, but her latest release “Anaconda” is the biggest disappointment to music I have ever heard. If you don’t believe me take a look at the video if these lyrics didn’t make you gag, her video consisting of nothing but booty shaking will. Really Nikki the butt video has been said and done already. Sir Mix A-lot has been there and done that. By the way the song “Anaconda” is literally Nikki’s lyrics to Sir Mix A-Lots original beat. Which again in my opinion really just shows the desperation of trying to do something original, but instead crashing and burning.
Out of my group of women at work not one single person could even finish watching the video. I then went on a mission, and even made my hair dresser watch this trash. To this day I can’t find one sane person that thinks hey this song is really great. My cat Felix which I’ll have you know is very intelligent as well resorted to licking his own butt after I played this video at home!
Why , why, why has music become trash? Music used to be something great. Something that we could relate to that made us get chills because the emotions it evoked were so strong. I became so sad just a couple of days ago because I realized I really haven’t paid attention to any of the new singles that have been released, and that is simply because I used to be on top of that. I knew everything about music at all times! Now honestly I don’t even like to turn on my radio during my morning ride to work. It’s no wonder that we have all these teenage pregnancies, and little thug wannabe kids taking over this country. It is insane the stuff that all these kids are exposed to. I know, I know, its not their fault they’re just making a living, but really how was that video even aired. I kid you not during the lyrics that are above, Nikki Minaj literally humps the floor. Why oh why would you remotely even want to come off as that type of person. Don’t get me wrong l like any other person love to do a little butt shaking every once in a while, but there is a fine line between slight booty shaking and “damn that’s just nasty”!
What I really want to get at, is when did we make it ok to dance around in a little piece of fabric talking about hooking up with guys because they do cocaine. I know there have been female rappers that also say some inappropriate stuff in music, but I draw the line here! Too much, filter your crap and try and be at least a little bit classy Nikki. You are a poor remodel and all your rants about “skinny B******” only gives young girls more of a reason to have all sorts of insecurities! At this point I’m going to turn to some knowledge I learned from a movie, a very funny movie I might add. “Calling each other bitches and hoes only makes it okay for men to do the same”- Mean Girls. There really is some knowledge in this I know it really was a dumb movie, but all Nikki does is demonstrate that women can behave worse than the biggest scum bag and men will find it attractive. You give women no credit at all! I seriously cant wait for the VMA’s tonight, and I will let you know I am watching just because I have a bet going that Nikki will perform Anaconda half naked for the entire world to see.
Eventually Nikki wins I suppose because I know this is just one big publicity stunt. After all I will be watching her performance and people will begin talking only making her big head even bigger than that thing she calls a butt, which I still say is fake because that is just not normal!
Since I burned your eyes with these horrible lyrics I thought I would personally give you a taste of what I call music. Something meaningful that the youth and adults of our time can connect with emotionally. Something that doesn’t need sexual appeal to sell, instead sells itself through its honesty. Sorry for those of you that I have offended with my rant or my comments. I don’t want you to think I’m just a complainer, but I want everyone to stop and listen to the crap that plays on our TV’s and our radios. As for Nikki all I have to say to you is, Why not BE successful the right way?
Good Music: Demons by: Imagine Dragons
When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold
When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale
I wanna hide the truth
I wanna to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Some of you who will be reading this already know that I am a very religious type of person. I wont sit here and lecture you on everything that I know or beat you over the head with a bible. I simply believe what I believe and you just can not change my mind. With that being said, I wanted to share a peculiar dream I had a couple of days ago. Lately these days I have had really scary, and interesting dreams this was definitely one of them. Basically I found myself trapped in a building in a small town with three friends, and an uncle running from a cult-like group of people. These people some how managed to posses everyone around, creating them into mindless zombies. As we tried to escape we found ourselves hopelessly trapped we had no other choice but to break through a window in order to escape. Just as I was about to jump through the window my uncle jumps at me throwing me unexpectedly through the window. The next thing I knew I was in a church surrounded by the entire town soulless vessels with candles in hand staring straight ahead. As I started to get up from the floor a man at the front of the church stood with my uncle at his side. He began to speak about finally being able to complete his mission, and he would now bring his loved ones back from the dead. People then began to march forward like robots to the front of the church where there was an alter with unlit candles. The strange man then said, “Come light your candles with me and then light a candle at the alter, only when each one of us has lit every candle will it be complete.” As these people began lighting candles people started to appear, but the people appearing where corpses. Terrified I stood there in shock, all I could think about was how I could possibly stop this from happening. I searched the church and to the left of the alter I saw a small alter for a statue of the Virgin Mary.
( Okay quick bit of information for you people who do not know me. Ever since I was about 10ish and I started actually understanding my faith I always clung on to asking the Virgin Mary to intercede for me as well as praying rosaries in times of need. I just have always felt that every time I have needed help I could never go wrong by turning to her. )
Back to my story. Once I saw her statue I pretended to be one of these mindless zombies walking with my candle but as I got closer to the alter I snuck off hiding as much as I could and then all I could was pray. I said, if anyone can do anything to stop this ritual I know you will. And as a continued to pray the leader snuck up on me yelling, “what are you doing!” I simply turned to him and said I’m lighting my candle so I can go to the front. He began pushing and yelling at me and when he did the wax from his candle fell into a candle beneath Mary’s Statue. As he continued to yell at me I could help but notice that a black swirl began to form within the candle that sat below the statue. I found it odd and grabbed the candle under the statue and got back in line. As I tried lighting my candle with the leaders candle, surprisingly his candle went out. He yelled and said use someone else’s candle and so I turned to the person next to me, but again the candle went out except this time it was as if the person holding the candle snapped out of the hold over them. As I realized that my prayers were answered I began looking around and all the candles one by one started going out and people were waking scared and unsure of what was going on. I then looked up to the man at the alter and he began yelling as everyone of the corpses that had appeared also began to disappear.
At this moment I woke up happily realizing this was all simply a dream. I went back to sleep shortly after but as I awoke the next morning I just could not get passed the dream I had. I went to work and told everyone about my nightmare, but just talking about it I could not forget it. Later that evening when I got home I called my mom also deeply involved in her religion. I told her about my dream and how I was having trouble with the dream. She patiently listened and as I finished she said, “you do now what day it is right”, and I said, no. I really had no idea what she was referring to a very important day celebrated by the Catholic Church, The Assumption of the Virgin Mary. At this point you are probably thinking why is this girl ranting about all of this. Well at this point in my life I have sadly pulled away from attending church every Sunday. I admit it has been pure laziness and no there is no one to blame but myself. As my mom began talking about why this day is a day of obligation meaning you really must attend a peace came over me. I have gotten grief in the past for believing what I believe and sometimes I would just be baffled as to why I couldn’t make others see the beauty and significance in the beautiful person we call our mother. At this moment I felt as if all the doubt if it ever came over me was insignificant and Mary was saying I am here.
I’m very happy to say I attended a beautiful ceremony held for Mary at mass that night. Everything just felt right I was happy and I knew no matter the struggles in our life it is important to step out of this hectic life and give a moment to God. We ask so much on a daily basis and we give so little. I mean when I look at my life I look at all the small moments in my life that I could have easily stopped and said thank you for everything I have, but instead I’ve rushed everything worried about all the insignificant materialistic things. I now see why my parents find it important to pray before eating or when they wake up and before they fall asleep. They don’t necessarily ask for anything but instead they thank. I cant say I had an epiphany and I am now this perfect person, but I do know that I do feel that regardless of what others say I will always have Mary as a reminder and as a role model for what a real woman is, someone honest, strong and willing to give her entire world to God. Really as our sermon that night said, we need to be like Mary and let God step in and take control, being open to what he has for us. Finally I am more aware of the obligation to stop and give thanks for we all know that after all “it is right and just.”
I hope you don’t find this as some kind of rant trying to get you to believe as I believe, but instead I hope you take so much more, regardless of what religion or what God you worship that you not be doubtful or ashamed of your belief. Instead pay attention to the little signs around you, because we get them all the time you may not know at first what they mean, but I truly believe my God is saying I am right here, you are okay and most importantly don’t be afraid to be.