I’ve been engaged for a year….I remember I was over the moon excited about being engaged. In less than a week I had my entire wedding planned. I started dress shopping and even found the one! Unfortunately for me life happened and the wedding was pushed to a side which was a wise decision don’t get me wrong. I was completly okay with this decision and I patiently waited for my crazy schedual to calm down. It eventually did. I graduated college, got a raise and things were looking up. I now had free time so for me it was time to get the wedding going.
It’s crazy how much things can change in so little time and I guarantee you they will, for the good or the bad that part we have no control over. Late one night I sat down and talked to my fiance. I said so what do you think our wedding date should be? The answer, “I don’t know.” So like a women I kept prying and prying I needed an answer. The answer I got this time sort felt like I was punched in the face. ” I don’t even know if we should still get married we have no money and we are sort of dysfunctional. The house is never clean. We fight all the time. Why would we do that to ourselves?” Along with other information that let me tell you made me feel like a failure as a women.
Are you kidding me? I mean really are you kidding me? Six years going on seven I will add, and this is what I hear. I honestly stared at the wall for a bit and then pretended to fall asleep cause after being told that it was impossible to actually fall asleep. I decided that night that things were gonna change I would do everything I could do to change everything.
About three weeks later I’ve been so proud of myself my house has been clean, I’ve been very posative about everything, working out and just feeling great. Well I decided that I would bring up me buying invitations later on tonight see how that conversation would go. Lets just say I’ve been yelled at twice for apperently being horrible before I could even bring up the topic. So I decided there is nothing wrong with me. I am fine I will care about me and only me! You bend over backward and change your entire being for the one you love only to be told, well now I’m not so sure. I wish I had been born the opposite sex so I too could not give a shit about anything or anyone. So that I can make someone tear their hair out in a frenzy to figure out what exactly they are doing wrong.
My situation is ugly lets just say. I know there is something I am missing. There has to be I refuse to believe that I simply lost this one. If anyone knows anyone at all please tell me….because I need to know what am I missing?
Ps….I am simply very upset and confused sorry for being a downer.
My day had been horrible. I was lost and the need to get out of my bed didn’t even exist. It was happening again and my head and heart could feel it. I managed to drag myself from bed and I felt as though I was floating around, the minutes quickly passing by. Picking up my phone I only wanted to talk to my doctor. I wanted to yell at her! I felt desperate and hopeless. The depression was back. A dark cloud surrounded me and there was no way out.
I’ve always known that something was wrong with me and I refused to do anything about it. I can remember being 16 and sitting in my room with a handfull of any prescription drug I could find in our cabinets. I was weak though I would always take one more than yesterday each day but I never realized that I was building up my immunity rather than doing what I wanted and that was to end everything. I can’t tell you why I felt like that and I will probably never be able to tell you why. I had a good family and great friends but I couldn’t make a pain in my soul disappear.
When you get to this point you think horrible and ugly things. Your entire day consists of impatiently waiting to see how soon you can go back to bed and try to dream away these feelings only to find that even in your dreams you cant escape your own dark thoughts. It’s the opposite actually, the thoughts are vivid and they come to life. It’s really quite ugly but you almost prefer it to actually being awake. I remember one time I hit a low and I actually locked my self in my room and I screamed straight into a pillow for almost 20 minutes straight. I was just so tired and confused and doing that was my only solution. When you feel so sad you get really tired. I think that is one of the hardest parts. It almost feels like you’ve been dragging weights around for 24 hours straight. Others wont understand no matter how hard you try to explain it.
I’ve allowed this depression thing to slowly destroy me because of the embarrassment that I so much dread. I’ve never liked to be weak. I don’t like to even cry in front of people I hate it. It almost feels like everytime I let someone see that side of me, I am less of a person. You try and hide it and its almost like your dirty secret. You’ll have moments when you just want to yell at everyone you see that your sick, but then you’ll stop because there are consequences. Having depression is like a joke to others. They see it as an excuse, and many will even make fun of you behind your back. For those that don’t make fun of you they’ll treat you like a broken toy. They’ll tip toe around you in fear of setting you off. People no longer look at you the same because there’s now something mentally wrong with you. It truely sucks.
Well I got help. I gave in. I decided I couldn’t go on any more like this. It took a lot. I had to sit in an office as docters questioned me about my life and what could have triggered this. You almost want to yell at them because you don’t know. I wanted to tell them just give me something. Something for the headaches, for the sadness, for the exhaustion, for you to just be normal.
It was rough and as I have another rough spot in my life I think that if I reflect on how ugly I was maybe I’ll keep from falling again. It’s almost like a reminder to myself. It’s hard I’ll let you know that much. After my fifth prescription sometimes you think its beat to just give in. I do want to apologize to anyone who reads this and feels bad for me don’t do that. That’s not what I want. I sort of just need to vent. I kinda hope someone with the same problems knows that they’re not the only ones. I’m not saying you’ll be okay cause I don’t know that but I understand and its okay to feel these things because others do too. It helps to write about it. Trust me.
Well guys that’s all for my days rant.
Sorry if you can’t make any sense of what I’ve said. I called it a rant for a reason.
Sadly a good majority of the time I find myself mad. Most of the time I don’t know why I’m mad, and half of the time my poor fiance gets caught in the middle of my anger rants. I will admit that most of my problem comes from allowing myself to be bothered by everything. I’m a sensitive person, and I can’t help it, but I wanted to share a pretty funny argument I had with my fiance. I will warn you ahead of time this will sound petty, but I promise most of you will think, Oh my goodness I do that too!
Well, one day I came home from work as usual tired and annoyed. I followed my usual routine which was moan and grown the entire time I cooked. I promise I did not actually voice my unhappiness, instead I talked to myself mentally. Side note, in all my 22 years I never realized I did this, but was about to realize how this was the key to my unhappiness. As I continued cooking I soon realized I had a huge problem. I was out of salt, and I need salt at all times! It wasn’t until I finished cooking my fiances dinner, and started preparing my meal that I realized my dilemma. First, you may ask why in the world is she cooking two meals? I at the time was on a meal plan trying to lose weight, and my fiance will not eat any of the healthy things I like to eat. Now that I think of this whole scenario, had I been rational for once I would have even realized that I did not need salt since I was trying to be healthier.
However, stubborn old me could not let this happen. When I actually realized that I needed salt I began to panic. What would I do? I needed it now. My next move was to ask my lovely fiance to run to the corner store and buy salt. After all it would only take him a second. In my head this worked perfectly! I knew he would say, “Yes honey only because you are so great and prepared us this great meal.” Well that wasn’t quite what happened instead I heard, “Do you really need the salt.” I did not explode because I wasn’t mad yet, but I was very close. I kindly explained that the salt was vital to my meal. His next response is when I began all the crazy talk us women can do time to time. After hearing my well put together argument on why I needed salt my fiance says, “Okay well how about I buy some tomorrow.” At this moment I swear my head almost flew off I was so dang angry!
Did this man really not just hear my argument?Did he not understand how vitally critical it was for me to have salt at this precise moment? Was I really not that important or loved that I he could not complete a simple errand for me? This is just so dang unbelievable because I just slaved over a hot stove yet, I can’t have one simple request!
Yes, yes, yes, I am that crazy. Those thoughts really flew through my head. I seriously victimized myself. I single handedly managed to ruin my afternoon, and even went to bed with out speaking a word to my fiance. It took me a good two days to let go of such a stupid argument, but when I did I realized the only person that needed to apologize was me.
In a conversation with a friend about how unbelievable my fiance had behaved nights before I got a really big eye opener. The whole time I retold my story I was expecting her to be shocked and completely side with me, but to my surprise her response was, “Really that was all he did?” I was speechless! How could she not realize that I was the one who was betrayed! What she told me next was something I will never forget, and personally think is the best advise I have ever received. She said, “If you do not stop basing the meaning of love on things you think someone else SHOULD be doing for you, you will always be unhappy!”
I stared at her for a little bit. Not because I was mad, but because I felt like this whole time I had a veil over my face and for the first time ever it was being lifted. How could I have been so selfish? At this point I was beyond embarrassed. I realized that my entire life I thought love meant I had to do A,B, C at said moment, and if my partner didn’t do the same he simply didn’t love me. How did that even make sense to me?I began to think about all of the arguments we had in our relationship, and I laughed. I really laughed out loud, because it was as if the light finally clicked on. These past five years of our relationship most of the time I started this whole bit of talking to myself and making the situation worse. I am seriously lucky someone even put up with that craziness. After I began to lighten up my friend reassured me that what I had done is very common, and to simply make a change for the better.
Today I will tell you that I am 100% happier. I realized that sometimes if you can’t have your way the world will not end, and it definitely does not mean that your fiance doesn’t love you. Take a step back think about their day. You are not the only one that is tired or irritated. Love is something so much more. Something as stupid as not getting salt should never get in the way of a relationship.Believe me, not loving you has not even crossed your partners mind as for why they don’t want to get that salt.
In the end the only person that loses will be you, and that is because you wasted all that time being angry when instead you could have enjoyed each others company.
I won’t say that I have found the key to a successful relationship, but one thing is for sure I realized a flaw in myself that could have ultimately ended my relationship. I learned to always look for the facts. I know I am loved. I know sometimes we just don’t want to do certain things. I now know that talking to myself is totally not healthy!
So my final advise for you is don’t be quick to get crazy, and if you haven’t got the hint yet, again don’t talk yourself into a whirlwind of anger. Instead, why not BE rational?
Everyone has an idea of how they want to spend the rest of their life. I’m lying actually, we all think we know what we want to do, but in reality most of us are clueless. We spend at least three years of our adult life after graduation studying for what we think is the right career and then we have that brief moment where we pause, and say “What the heck am I doing!” You see careers are a tricky thing. We think that we can actually make up our minds as to how we plan to spend the rest of our lives, but how do we know until we actually jump into that field.
For example, I chose to dedicate myself to the education field. Yes, I am going to be a teacher, and as a matter of fact I always swore I would never be a teacher. However, here I am in my last semester of school about to jump into student teaching, and let me tell you I am scared out of my mind. Don’t get me wrong. I have had those moments were I get home so pumped up because I just cant wait to get in a classroom and make a difference! Then I have days like I’ve had this past week, where I am such a baby and absolutely dreading being in a classroom. Don’t get all worried it’s not because I hate kids, or learning. It’s the complete opposite I love learning and I love the content area I chose, which is English Language Arts. I think deep down its the feeling of failure. I mean you spend four years of your life studying like crazy, and almost losing your mind due to no sleep and stress because you think you know what you want to do. Yet in reality you could actually fail horribly, and all that hard work, money, and time goes to waste. Just because I say that I want to be a teacher doesn’t guarantee me that I’ll be good at it, and I can have all the preparation in the world but still not be prepared enough. It’s rough and it’s a horrible feeling.
I really just wish I could fast forward to my fifth year teaching and be this like master at what I do. Don’t judge me! It’s the reader in me. I’ve spent too many hours with my head buried in a book. I like thinking that life could be that easy, even though I know that will never happen. I used to think that I would have it easy that loving what I do would be enough in the teaching field, but the reality is that teachers have it a lot harder than what everyone thinks. It is crazy what we have to have done by the end of the year. Kids need to be master at what you have taught and if they aren’t the teacher usually pays. You’re probably thinking that I’m exaggerating. Well I absolutely am not! Regardless of the diversity, or learning levels in your classroom you must make sure that each student leaves with 100 times more knowledge then what they walked into your classroom with. It seriously scares me to think that I wont have what it takes, and I know it takes growing in order to get where you want, but if these kids smell fear you might as well quit on your first day because they will eat you alive.
Again I’m not saying kids are evil or something. I am saying they have a sixth sense, and know whether or not you are going to teach or be a waste of time. This student teaching business is definitely going to be a challenge. I know that it will require absolutely every bit of me. I wont lie I really am excited, because like I said the concept of kids learning from me is awesome. I also know that I chose this career for a reason. I decided that I would make a difference. So many teachers these days enter the field for all the wrong reasons. They go in as dictators looking down at their children, but they’re wrong. These kids need people to trust, someone to confide in, and lead them in the right direction. One thing I never realized until an observing teacher gave me some very important advise. He said, “kids expect honesty, if you are real with them they will respect you.” Many of you may think that is naïve, but I’ve seen this in action and it works miracles. When kids are respected they have fun learning and they don’t make it their personal mission to destroy you.
I know y’all may think I did a lot of ranting, but I actually feel better right now. I think sometimes people need to feel unconfident, or lost in order to realize that they’ll be okay. If life were meant to be simple what kind of life would that really be? I know it’s been rough, and I’ve had soooooo many obstacles that I had to overcome, but when I walk across the stage in December I think I might just jump for joy! Ultimately knowing that if I fail, all I can really do is get up and try again.
So my final thought for you all is, Why not Be Invincible?
These past couple of days I have realized just how selfish and spoiled I was as a kid. As I prepared myself for the upcoming semester I overly stressed myself with everything I could possibly stress about. I was unprepared financially, and mentally so this going back to school stuff hit me as a giant wave of stress. This year I have especially struggled with paying for school since Financial Aid likes to make it virtually impossible to receive help. Well I sat down yesterday and laughed at myself for being so ignorant as a youngster. I had absolutely no idea how hard life is! I really can’t ever forget my Sophomore prom not because it was prom and what not, but because of how inconsiderate I was. At the time I was so unbelievable upset with my parents because they wouldn’t dish out money for a new prom dress. I remember calling my older sister and crying like a moron because mom said, they just couldn’t afford a new dress and were making me wear the dress I wore for homecoming. It blows my mind how selfish of me that was. I mean I felt that I absolutely needed a new dress and just couldn’t show my face wearing a dress twice.
I know I was immature and young, but it just hit me today right smack in the face. Let me explain, my parents at the time had 4 kids at home. I cant even imagine the cost of providing for one child much less four! I can’t even take care of myself with out being broke. Sometimes I cant even handles my cat’s vet bills. Cost of living just blows my mind! I also don’t want you to think that we were some poor kids with absolutely nothing. We were SPOILED! Each one of us had TV’s, name brand clothes, great food, and plenty of extra stuff. I really don’t think that I will ever forgive myself for basically crucifying my mom and dad over a dress. They even paid for me to go and get my nails done, yet for me that wasn’t enough. To me they were unreasonable and didn’t care about me. They paid 40 bucks to put crap plastic on my nails that would eventually fall off in a couple of days, when in reality they could have used that for themselves. Possibly even gone out to dinner together worry free.
Now as an adult I really and truly admire my parents for the life they gave me. My parents came from nothing! When I say nothing I mean nothing, sometimes food wasn’t even an option because of poverty in Mexico. My mom will always tell us a story about how she would be so sad because she would see little girls lick a lollypop once and throw it on the ground. She would say, you don’t know how many times I wanted to pick it up and just dust it off. Isn’t that mind blowing to want something as simple as that so bad and not being able to have it. I to this day, have never felt hunger, or want like they experienced. They made sure their kids had everything and we did. If any of my siblings say other wise believe my they will be hit! I recently thanked my parents for everything that they have done, not just for everything they ever gave me but for being there. So many kids don’t even have parents, but mine stuck around they kept me and gave me an amazing life! My mom literally cried and cried because I thanked her, and she told me she actually felt guilty for not being able to help me with college, but I told her that wasn’t necessary. They have done their job, they made me into the independent adult that I am today. They taught me how to work, and when I work how to be efficient, precise, and how to take pride in the work. They taught me about religion. Most importantly they loved me unconditionally and still do. They always have my back regardless of my situation, and I cant thank them enough. In my eyes I have failed because I have not helped them enough. I sincerely hope one day that I am able to care for them when they need in the way they cared for me. Unless their grumpy old people, not really,I would regardless of that.
I know most of you don’t really think about all the mountains that our parents have climbed for us, but just thank them as much as you can. They will cry and cry but they appreciate it soooooo much! Because when someone tells you one day that they’d like to shake your mom and dad’s hand for raising such a great individual not only will you feel like hot stuff, but you’ll also realize every single direction that your life could have gone with out them. Trust me we think at times that we have things rough but millions of kids have parents who can only love a bottle of beer, who are abusive, or have none at all. Cherish every moment with them treat them like royalty because they are royalty! Don’t end up like me. Regret is an ugly thing no matter how small, it will eat away at you when you least expect it. My question to you is, why not be selfless? God knows that is what my parents were, and I so ignorantly took advantage!